Rockford and CPE Weeks 9 and 10

Actually, I'm skipping the specifics of week 9.  The ideas carry over to week 10 and now we're beginning week 11 so I'd better finish this one up!

Tuesday of week 10.
Eight days of CPE to go.  How can a day be bad when it starts off with listening to "Little Red Riding Hood" with Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs, followed by worship?  Today was my final supervisory session, and the first one that I came out of with more energy than I went in with.  That means I've gone somewhere with all this self-reflection.  My statement that sums up the experience:  "This has been a summer of having my insides ripped  out--but I had fun doing it."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-lose/4-good-reasons-not-to-read-bible-literally_b_919345.html

How do I read the Bible? This article says it, and for me, is summarized by David Lose in his statement, "What binds the various and sundry texts found in the Bible together may be precisely that they are all inspired by the authors' experience of the living God."  I like the idea of reading the Bible as how people experienced God in their lives.  Yet, I can see that this statement (and article!) brings up strong reactions from people who find in it a weakening of biblical authority.  What differentiates these texts from others, then?  I find that reading it as the people's experience of God allows for a much deeper and broader connection to my own life, remembering that everyone experiences God in different ways, and one is not necessarily more "correct" than another.


Thursday of Week 10. 
Another fabulous start to the day.  Ok, maybe not, but I'm still laughing about it.  8:00 AM, I'm waiting for the night chaplain to return and give me the pager for my day on call.  The phone rings in the office about 8:03, she is in ICU with a family and would I come relieve her.  After telling the supervisor where I was headed (since I would most likely miss part of the usual morning routine), I proceed to pull the door knob off his office door.  8:05.

As we wrap up these 11 weeks of CPE, I am reflecting on the roller coaster it has been.  I have done my best to be open to honest feedback from my peers and supervisor.  At the same time I have struggled with my preference of being "tough" and stoic.  Hitting the core of my pain leaves me speechless and choked up.  Nope. Can't let it show. Don't mess up your face.  Live up to your Scandinavian reputation.  Crap.  Then Barry tells me to stop "dipping your roses in shit!"  To explain what "dipping my roses" means...when someone gives me a compliment, I respond with, "Yes, but..." and negate the compliment, hence "dipping my rose in shit."   Apparently I have to stop doing that.   Crap.  I try to rationalize that I'm simply fertilizing, but it doesn't go over.  The solution we came up with is that I'm going to wear the shock collar and Barry gets to hold the button. That way when I "dip my roses in shit" he can zap me.  Crap.  Barry's Shock Therapy.

Ruffie in Mom's rosebush.

On the other end, I have come to an acceptance of what my struggle in life really is--the struggle that everything else comes out of.  There is a certain amount of peace in reaching this point.  Getting here has not been easy.  I also know that it's only the beginning of healing and becoming whole.  It's going to get harder again, but this is a welcome rest from an exhausting journey.



Pax.