For the 384th time, I haven't blogged for a long time. Only this time I'm not going to say I'll try to do better...because I won't! Might as well be honest with myself, and you.
Internship continues to go well and I continue to push myself (in some areas I push myself to NOT push myself quite so hard). Preaching goes... teaching is fun. I enjoy it. The visits are wonderful. Worship is wonderful. Just this past week I met with my internship committee over our mid-year evaluations. I think I survived. "Cryptic" was my favorite comment. Still not sure what that's supposed to mean.
The big reason I sat down to write is Lent. I've taken on some ridiculous Lent "disciplines" mostly in the line of giving something up. Pop one year. Chocolate another year. My cell phone. Shopping. Every one of these things has changed me or made me more aware of something in myself one way or another. This year, however, mindfulness has been on my mind. Not only for myself, but also for Zoe. I'm tired of being pushed around, stepped on, tripped over, fingers grabbed instead of a treat. I can't blame Zoe for the fact that her brain goes 6000000000000000000000 miles an hour and that her body clumsily follows behind. She IS a thoroughbred off the track after all. Who knows what crap she's been through, how much stress she's dealt with, and what fears and anxieties she has. Lots. But it doesn't have to be that way. So.... we're doing this mindfulness thing together, though I'm not sure she knows that yet.
Day 1 of mindfulness
It takes Zoe and me 30 minutes to get from the barn to the last gate before trail ride begins. She spins, pulls, and kicks at me several times between barn and the gate where I will actually get in the saddle. Pretty sure we are both still sore from that day.
Day 2 lesson day
I am more at ease in my mind than I have been for the previous few lessons. Zoe on the other hand... The instructor says, "She's trotting on eggshells." And a bit later, "She looks like she could be explosive."
Day 3 Pooped
After a very long and exhausting day at work that began at 6:15 Friday morning plus mowing the grass (I know, SOOOO weird to mow in February!) and sweeping the driveway and car port, I went out to ride only to find myself in another situation of visiting/counseling/listening to crisis to a person hurting greatly. When I finally arrived at the barn, I gave Zoe her supper and gave her a good grooming and some cuddles focusing on being calm, intentional, and present. Enough for the day.
The goal here is for both Zoe and me to think before we act, speak, step, or fling our bodies wildly in random directions. For Zoe to meet "her" goal, I must first take steps toward mine. Paying attention to my breathing. Being aware of what I am doing, how, and why. Intentionality. As we move from Ash Wednesday and the reminder of our coming deaths with Christ on the cross through this season of Lent, my understanding of what it means to be mindful will change and grow. What it means for me to be mindful... what it means for a thoroughbred to be mindful...
Slow down. Be present. Calm. Losgelassenheit. Pax.
