Friday was my final day of this unit of CPE. I am going to refrain from commenting on the week as it wasn't a particularly pleasant one. Yet, my final evaluation with the supervisor couldn't have been better. Then I spent the afternoon toodling around Rock Cut State Park with Brother Roar Mouse, Friar Hans.
This weekend included mostly sleep and packing, though my brain is always going, going, going trying to process all that has happened in the last 11 weeks and how that relates to the rest of my life--past and future. A lack of self-worth is what has limited my ability to succeed at what I know I am capable of. It shows up in everything I do--riding is where it's been the most painful. What would have become of my A testings had I, deep down, believed I deserved it? I am angry that this has been my stumbling block and especially that I did not reach my first real life goal: the A rating, the highest level in the United States Pony Club. Now it's too late. Shucks to grow up. I need to figure out how to let go of the A and celebrate that I reached the level I did reach, the H-A. My lack of self-worth has been a problem for a long time, but not until seminary did it start to interfere so deeply. It's going to be a long healing process.
I have so much to write and at the same time I don't want to write publicly until I process a whole lot more. (Does that say, INTROVERT?) The next three days are so packed full, I'm not sure I'll ever get everything straight and on time. Heading to Dubuque tomorrow morning, then on to Jesup for the night. To Waverly on Wednesday and on to Bloomington for the night. Thursday morning I need to get home in order to take care of a number of other things. I hope an afternoon of fishing is included in Thursday. Also some Shiney time. A last good gallop across the field with my girlie would be amazing.
Pax.
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