Rockford and a Crazy End to CPE Week 4

Saturday night was full of opportunities to think and reflect on life and death and fears.  It was a night on call that I hope never to repeat.  In between responding to pages and families grieving the death of their loved ones, it occurred to me for the first time, how much fear there is around dying alone.  I've heard it before, "I'm afraid to die alone." and "I just don't want my loved one to be alone to die."  but I've never connected with the fear this deeply before.  I guess, being 25 and living the lifestyle I am, I assumed that if I die in the near future, it will be a quick death and I won't have time to think about it.  I'd rather keep thinking this way, I like denial!  Yet, my denial does not include the fact that there is a chance life will be shorter than longer.  I will always remember the day in college when my professor said on the first day of class, "Alyssa, you are going to die falling off your horse and breaking your neck."  I responded, "Yeah, probably around 37.  That's fine as long as the horse walks away."  Don't be offended.  It's morbid.  That's okay.  Death is real.  But yes, thinking about it, I don't want anyone to die alone, two-legged or four-legged, furry or feathery or bare skin.  Four deaths Saturday night.  Three of them surrounded by family, the other had family arrive within minutes. 

I had a dream one night a few years ago that I was, at 22, diagnosed with some sort of illness that would be a long and painful road.  I was given the option of euthanasia, which I opted for, completely okay with being euthanized myself.  The point of telling this part of my dream is that I was surrounded by my family and friends who came to say good-bye and to grieve with me.  This is so true of my family, who even when we are states apart, never leaves my side.

Horse pasture and what used to be my deer stand.

It has also been a struggle this weekend to be here in Rockford while Grantsburg begins the long haul of clean-up and getting back on its feet after Friday evening's storm. Every news station and article gives a different number for wind, up to 109 mph. How sad that all those neat old oaks are gone, and that they did so much damage on the way down. It was all I could do to not get in the truck and drive home Friday night, but resisted, trying to convince myself that the world will keep turning even if I don't go home to help. Besides, Granny Pearl would have killed me if I was out cutting and hauling trees.

Pictures taken by my momma!

Granny's front yard.

House across the street from my grandma's.

Oh a happy note, my new best friend is my little bottle of Prednisone!  I could tell a difference in my ribs the first day on it.  Of course there's still a lot of snapping and popping going on in my ribcage, but the discomfort is much less.  Just hoping that the pain doesn't come back when I'm off it.  It's so frustrating to not be able to do anything.  The rule I got from both docs I've seen the last 2 weeks is, "If it hurts, don't do it."  So I come home emotionally shot from CPE but have no way of getting rid of my energy.  So I eat.  That's healthy, right?  (My lunch today is a bag of Double Chocolate Milano cookies...)

Speaking of emotional eating, while on call Saturday night, (before the chaos began) I found a DVD on the shelf called, "The Science of Meditation."  It was quite interesting and after watching it, I came across the "Tree of Contemplative Practices." 

http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree.html

I find this fascinating and fun.  There is a good explanation of each of the listed practices, but there is also a blank tree that one can fill out with different practices.  So many of these things are things we all do daily but we fail to be aware of what it is we are doing and how it affects us and others.  As silly as it sounds, there is something to the "mindful eating."  How often do we inhale our food without even knowing what it is?  Here's a snippet to spark your curiosity:  "Set your plate in front of you. Look carefully at the food.  Slowly place the food in your mouth, notice the explosion of flavor and sensation of the food in your mouth, on your tongue."  Check it out.

Pax.