In order to sleep at night, I have had to start wearing off more of my energy. Two weeks ago I started running again, and this time my body wasn't hating me for it. That week I averaged 4 mile runs and by Sunday, bumped it up to about 5. Shoulder is still achy from all this rib business that started back in March, but this time running hasn't made it worse. Progress...until Monday, a week ago yesterday, when I got tight in the chest and by evening had a killer sore throat. Thursday bowled me over with a fever. As crappy as this is, it's also progress: I've behaved myself quite well, not pushing myself harder through illness but taking it easy and allowing my body the time to recover. When I woke up Thursday morning, I realized how I never fully appreciated the days when feeling like that meant I stayed home from school. The days of curling up with the dogs (who were so happy to have someone stay home) and blankets on the couch in front of the fireplace to read "The Saddle Club" books all day. Growing up is most overrated!
Even though settling in at Augustana Divinity School has been the most difficult transition of coming to Germany, I never had a doubt that Neuendettelsau would become home. Yesterday Lisa took me to Ansbach (I'd have never made it by myself!) to continue the process of getting my Visa finalized. Of course official US passport photos aren't up to German standards and there was a royal fuss before they finally said, "Well, we'll let it go, but if any of your information changes, you have to re-do your pictures." Hopefully one more trip to Ansbach in a few weeks and all will be complete. As long as nothing changes. There go my plans for getting married in Germany!
I am continually amazed by you all, both here and at home, family and friends. Prayers. Notes. Emails. Invitations. And some rockin' games of Tischtennis! I cannot thank you enough.
My room is getting cozier with my violet, cross, bunny, a couple candles, and most importantly, a candy dish. So far I've even had enough discipline to not munch out of it constantly. In my reading, I came across an appropriate quote by Bradshaw: "By being in your mind and constantly thinking about eating or not eating, you can distract yourself from your feelings." Yup. And I like it that way. Chocolate is much more pleasant than feelings. Fortunately, physical activity is my other choice of avoidance.
My continued work on "CPE issues" and life is proving to be worth all the pain and struggle. Life brings so much more enjoyment, and I can laugh again. For real. Really laugh, not just smile. I still surprise myself when I do, but it's a wonderful surprise! A whole new level of energy...hence my need to run! A weight is gone off my shoulders. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but this new freedom is allowing me to...be me. I am beginning to gain a sense of who I am instead of the person I've created based on my perception of the world's expectations. John 8.32 continues to stick with me.
"And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." (NRSV)
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